Martha Engber							
A Modest Physiological Proposal

Introduction

Consider the average index finger. It consists of three segments starting with the fingertip moving down to the middle phalanx and then the proximal phalanx that attaches to the knuckle. Together these phalanges can extend, as when pointing the finger, or flex, as when pulling a trigger.
By themselves, phalanges, or any body parts, for that matter, are only so many proteins, lipids, carbo-hydrates, nucleic acids, and minerals that, when com-bined, become tissue and bone. These compounds would remain completely useless if not for the Central Nervous System, or CNS.
The CNS consists of the brain and spinal cord, which together issue commands that direct bodily move-ment. If one needs to kill an enemy, for instance, the CNS sends an order for the hand to pick up and use a weapon. The CNS can just as easily command the hand to wave, as in victory, or the bicep to flex, as in a show of strength.
Considering that these are among the millions of possible bodily actions that can be instigated by the CNS, it’s not unreasonable to think of the CNS as the body’s chief executive. From its superior position on the body it presides over an extensive mass of units, otherwise known as cells, which carry out the many tasks that allow humanity to thrive as the world’s dominant species.

Overview

Because the complex superior/inferior, send/receive relationship might be difficult to understand, it helps to envision the CNS as residing in command central. There the chief executive determines the correct course of action and then sends an order through the proper channels (a series of somatic motor neurons that conduct impulses along axons) to the cogs (skeletal muscles) that execute the action. As per the previous example, if the CNS gave the order to pull a trigger, the distal and mid-dle phalanges of the index finger would flex and – bang  – a shot would fire.
This chain of command is not only efficient, but also fully trustworthy, in that the CNS takes only actions it deems necessary to safeguard the body’s comfort and survival.
Think, then, what would happen if the CNS were given complete control of all information as well as the power to wield it. The CNS would, for example:
1.	be able to curtail any unsafe activity that might lead to bodily breaks or abrasions;
2.	keep illness at bay by avoiding all diseased entities; and
3.	nip any assassination attempt — either for-eign or domestic — in the bud.
Thus taken care of, the body would find itself in a state of perfect and complete peace. Utopia, if you will.

The Problem

But at this point in humanity’s evolution, the CNS does not possess and control all knowledge and power. Rather, it must share these assets with the sensory receptors found in the skin, muscles, tendons, ligaments and joint capsules. These receptors are called proprio-ceptors.
Simply put, proprioceptors are the exact op-posite of the CNS. Instead of sending orders to the extremities, the proprioceptors gather information from the extremities (regarding temperature, speed, and direction) and send it back to the CNS. If a finger touches a hot stovetop, for example, the proprioceptors in the skin send a message of Hurt! to the CNS, which then orders the fingers to withdraw from the burning surface.
While this may sound like a reasonable arrange-ment, consider that although the CNS issues commands in an orderly fashion, proprioceptors continuously bar-rage the CNS with questionable information from unsub-stantiated sources. And while the chief executive makes logical decisions based upon fact and past experience, proprioceptors convey purely emotional messages that often demand, like a spoiled child, an immediate response.
Thus the conflict becomes apparent. While the brain works to keep the body functioning smoothly, proprioceptors often incite irrational and even dangerous behavior. Then when something does happen — a stubbed toe, a bad burn, a compound break, a deep and scarring laceration — the proprioceptors flood the CNS with complaints.
One logical, the other irrational.
One strategic, the other opportunistic.
One unifying, the other anarchistic.
Indeed, in some instances proprioceptors are no better than traitors. For example, when a foreign aggressor threatens the body, it is the CNS’s job to present a unified front and strike back with force. Yet proprioceptors typically disrupt such decisive action by questioning the chief executive’s actions. This despite the fact that the CNS works overtime to protect those very same units and only ever has the body’s best interests at heart, whereas the motivations of the proprio-ceptors are extremely naive.
That said, it should now be apparent that the proprioceptors pose a clear and present danger to the body’s security.

Proposal

Therefore, serious consideration should be given to solv-ing the proprioceptor problem via Project PP, in which the CNS would take complete and permanent control of the body. Such a centralization of power will not only ensure the body’s stability, but also its safety.
Given that the proprioceptors will almost cer-tainly fight any such takeover, however, one might wonder how such a victory can be won.
While the most civilized method would be to establish a dialog with the proprioceptors in which the CNS explains its case in a respectful, reasonable manner, such a tactic would be impossible since the proprio-ceptors are neither respectful nor reasonable. Such dis-cussions would almost certainly prove a fruitless waste of time.
Therefore, force — though admittedly an ex-treme measure — seems fully justified.
Along those lines, what follows is a three-step PP Elimination Plan:
1.	The CNS commands the dominant hand to pick up a gun. 
2.	The CNS orders the hand to point the barrel of the gun toward the body. Specifically, the gun should be aimed at the sixth thoracic vertebra of the spinal column*. Any higher would endanger the body’s life support sys-tem, and thus, the CNS. While any lower might leave enough mobility for the proprio-ceptors to exact revenge.
(NOTE: While the command and resulting hand motion can be performed quickly, the proprioceptors will almost certainly send an immediate alarm. The CNS should then em-ploy either or both of the following strate-gies: 1) Selective Hearing, in which the CNS tunes out all proprioceptor  complaints,  and 

(* While it’s true that severing the spinal column at the sixth thoracic vertebra will paralyze three-quarters of the body, it’s imperative to keep in mind that some loss must be endured in order to achieve the greater good of the body.)

2)  Outright  Denial,  in  which  the  CNS re-
peatedly and unequivocally denies the existence of the gun.  This  last  strategy  has 
the potential to both stun and confuse the proprioceptors and so buy time to carry out the last command.)
3.	The CNS should then use whatever method it can — threats, manipulation, exaggera-tions of truth — to overcome the proprio-ceptors and force the distal and middle phalanges to pull the trigger. At no point should the CNS underestimate the strength of the proprioceptors, which can be surpri-singly formidable when attacked. Fortu-nately, though, the CNS will have the advantage, possessing extensive experience in dislodging troublesome regimes. The gun so fired, the bullet will sever the spinal chord, thus rendering the proprioceptors im-potent and silent, the PP conflict over.

Conclusion

The reasoning thus supplied and the strategy defined, it should be clear that making such a pre-emptive strike against an imminent threat is not only feasible, but absolutely necessary to ensure an everlasting security in which the CNS reigns without challenge. And to think that accomplishing such a tremendous feat hinges on no more than a single shot. Rest assured that once that shot is taken, the proprioceptors, encompassing the entire sensory nervous system, will collapse like an imploding skyscraper, or two.

____

Journalist Martha Engber is the author of Growing Great Characters From the Ground Up. A Pushcart Prize nominee, she had a play produced in Holly-wood. She lives in Santa Clara.